Disenfranchised Grief

Most commonly, people connect grief with the death of a loved one. But what about when someone experiences a loss when death is not involved? Or the loss of an unrecognized relationship? Do these situations not also cause pain and grief for those experiencing them?

The answer is yes. Even though these may not be “traditional” ways that people view grief, they still cause significant suffering in one’s life. Any grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms or one’s support system is referred to as disenfranchised grief. This kind of grief is often minimized or not understood by others, which makes it particularly hard to process and work through. While grieving over the death of a loved one is often understood and accepted by those in your life and by society at large, sometimes loss of a pet, job, friendship, home, or situation aren’t as understood or validated.

Grief is very subjective and everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Someone may experience grief from the loss of a loved one, whereas someone else may experience grief from the loss of a job or the loss of their health. There is still a loss and grief in both situations.

Some examples where someone’s grief may be disenfranchised are:

• Loss of a pet

• Loss of an estranged, absent, or unknown family member

• Loss of a non-immediate family member, such as a cousin or uncle

• Loss of a loved one convicted of a crime and is in prison

• Loss of a miscarried or stillborn child, or a child given up for adoption

• Loss of a loved one to dementia

• Loss of possessions, such as in a house fire

• Loss of mobility or health

• Infertility

• Loss of someone to suicide

• Loss of a job

• Divorce

These are just a few situations that may cause disenfranchised grief to manifest in someone’s life. When there is a lack of social understanding surrounding someone’s loss, this makes it hard for people to recognize and validate the person’s grief. When grief is not validated by others, one may start to question their own feelings, and instead feel anger, shame, or guilt for experiencing grief. This makes it even more complicated for the person to process through their grief and to recognize it for what it is.

If you find yourself dealing with disenfranchised grief, it will be important for you to give yourself permission to grieve, to not feel like you have to explain yourself to others, and seek out a safe space, either with a friend or a therapist, where you can process your grief.

Written by: Cheri Heinzman