Mourning in Parenting
by: Jordan Allen
What would you say if you heard it is completely normal to mourn different changes and challenges that arise in parenting? This sounds extreme, right? One thing I often notice is the different feelings of sorrow that arise with parents when things do not go according to plan. Oftentimes, when discovering one is pregnant it comes with all the hopes and dreams for your child’s future. Maybe you have a dream that your child will one day be a Division 1 basketball player for a big University. Maybe it is a dream of your child getting married and having children. Or maybe you have the dream of your child being an academic genius and excelling in school. Whatever the dream may be, you generally have a plan in your head of different accomplishments that your child will carry out throughout their life. What happens if things don’t go as planned? This is when the mourning can begin.
While mourning in parenting sounds extreme, it is simply an aspect of grieving when things do not go as one has envisioned it. Grieving is a part of parenthood and is a very normal experience! While parents may have the best of intentions for what the future will hold for their child, one of the most challenging things can be when this does not go as hoped. This does not mean the parent has done something wrong or has failed. Instead, this means changes have taken place and the plan that was once envisioned needs to be edited or changed. The older children get, the more independent they get when it comes to likes, interest, decisions, etc. This can start smaller such as your one-year-old finding a strong distaste for vegetables, or larger as your senior decides they want to take a gap year from school. Remember, just because things do not go as planned does not mean you have failed in any way. In these moments, take time to grieve as you need to. Remember, children have a right to autonomy when it comes to decisions and interest. If the interest is different than expected, assist your children with navigating the change while also taking the time to grieve as needed on your own. If the grieving seems too difficult to handle on your own, reach out for support. Remember, all parents experience this. Gaining support from a trusted friend, spouse, or professional can assist you with taking the steps to mourn and heal in a healthy and productive way.
